Commercials I Hate

I hate most commercials; they insult our intelligence in an onslaught of bad dialogue and poor lighting -- and then we're expected to swoon over whatever they're selling and head right out to buy it. Personally, if a commercial annoys me enough, I will never buy what it's selling -- any Swiffer-related product being the sole exception to this rule. But herewith, the commercials that annoy me more than any others:

1). Any ad featuring the OxyClean guy -- the annoying guy who shouts and most likely spits while he talks. There are about 6 different ads starring this guy, who purportedly is the guy who invented all the products he's shilling. I would be too afraid to buy any of it for fear that he would leap out of the packaging and start shouting at me about the state of my toilet bowls or something.

2). Any Westwood College is excruciating because they are clearly so low budget, but the worst is the one with the fully nerdy girl in a red sweater who's all, "Want to know what today's HOTTEST careers are??" And I'm thinking, "Hell no, because anything you think is hot probably involve Renaissance garb and hobbits, and I just don't want to go that deeply into your mind." I mean, seriously, who thought this chick was sexy enough to sell an ad about "the hottest jobs"? Ick.

3). Allstate ads. Here's what I'm going to tell you about the "discounts" and "credits" advertised by Allstate: they will build them into the premium rates. Therefore, you aren't really getting a discount or a credit at all; you probably won't save with Allstate more than you would with any other insurance company. If Allstate is the company that can offer you the lowest premium for the best coverage, more power to you, but don't be deceived by ads that say you won't be charged for an accident -- there's not a single insurance company on the planet that won't raise your premium for an at-fault accident. What Allstate's going to do is charge you for it in advance; then, after you have it, they can be all, "See? We didn't raise your rates!"

4). And while we're on insurance, let's talk about the State Farm ads where the insurance agent shows up at someone's house in the middle of the damn night when some drunkard drives through the client's living room wall. Sorry, but drunkard or no, your insurance agent isn't showing up to your house in the middle of the night. You won't even have your insurance agent's home phone number (unless your premiums total over $50,000 a year -- then you might). Talk about insulting our intelligence. I mean, do people really believe this shit is real??

5). Toilet paper ads that use puppies to demonstrate the softness of the toilet paper. I'm not even sure where I'm supposed to go with this -- am I supposed to take the puppy's word for it that the toilet paper is soft? Puppies poop on the lawn and don't wipe -- how would they even know? Or am I supposed to be thinking, "Well, puppies are soft and this toilet paper is going to be soft, like a puppy." That's just disturbing, because I don't want to wipe my ass with a puppy.

6). Proactive Solution ads, and now the ones by their competitor. First of all, I can go walk down the street or head to the store or any other public place and see a bunch of people with hideous skin. I don't want to see it in high definition in the middle of a What Not To Wear marathon. It's just so foul. And then, on the Proactive ads, we have to see which unintelligent celebrity is the dumbest, between Diddy, Jessica Simpson, and Jennifer Love Hewitt. What's really sad is that I can totally believe Diddy having all kinds of nasty acne, but not Jessica or Jennifer. Because he's a man and men are so lazy about their skin -- even Diddy. And the more serious they try to make Jessica and Jennifer behave, the dumber they seem.

7). Hair color ads. Or really any kind of hair care product. These people always look like they're having such a fantastic time. No one ever has fun styling their hair. It's a chore, and then it either looks like shit when you're done, or you luck out and have a good hair day. Either way, you don't get all excited about. You might glance at your reflection in the mirror and be all, "I look kinda fierce today," but that's about it.

8). The car ad with the "gospel choir" that's all singing about the car. This alleged choir is full of skinny, beautiful people and I'm sorry, but first of all, no car is going to move the spirits of an entire gospel choir to sing about it. And no gospel choir -- or any other choir -- is this good looking.

9). Victoria's Secret -- the new ads for the push up bras. How old is this chick, like 14? I think it's hardly appropriate for her to be prancing around on television in that outfit.

10). Kay Jewelers. Someone just shoot me. These ads make me want to die. Or vomit. They are actually worse than the Jared ads. If anyone I knew ever bought me jewelry from Kay or Jared, I would know that a) they had no imagination, and b) they waited till the very last minute to do their shopping.

Alas, it is now the official Christmas shopping season, so I'm sure I'll be treated to more and more of my favorites as the weeks pass.