Stuff I Hate That Everyone Else Seems to Love

Mad Men. So let me get this straight... it's a show about advertising execs in the 1960s and how crass they were to nearly everyone. Basically it's The Sopranos with fewer dead bodies and less foul language.

Twilight. Oh, don't get me started, because I know if I do get started, I will offend like 48 of my friends, and I already offended enough people when I said only boring people were obsessed with Michael Jackson back in the 1980s. So I'm just going to let it go at "I think Twilight sucks." And then someone told me there's Robert Pattison underwear you can buy. Why is that necessary in life? Are they Underoos? Are they in any way ironic? Or are they just disturbing? Thought so.

Dressing in costume for Halloween. Rob and I are not curmudgeons, but when it comes to dressing in costume, we are curmudgeonly. Personally, I haven't enjoyed dressing in costume since I was around 6 and my mother painted my face green for my witch costume and the makeup made me itch so badly I wanted to tear my face off. Also, the costume itself itched. That was back in the days when all the costumes were made of flammable plastics. Really comfy. If I could find a comfy costume made primarily of cotton, I think I'd be all set. That's why I don't mind dressing up for the Ren Fest -- my costume is cotton. 100% cotton. But also, I guess I just don't have the competitive drive required to pull off a good costume. It seems like you have to want your costume to be the very best one, and I know for a fact that no costume I ever wear will ever be the very best one.

Sting. Occasionally, Sting has a decent song, but more occasionally, Sting has a boring song. True story: I was in a restroom at a restaurant recently where they were playing canned music -- someplace between Muzak and Adult Contemporary -- and this one Sting song came on and I actually thought it was a Muzak version until he started to sing. That's Sting in a nutshell for me. Also, I listened to his new Christmas album, thinking it might be good because it has all these Old English songs and hymns on it, and it is the most dour, depressing thing I've heard in a long time. Horrible.

Rock Band and similar video games. Sadly, I seem to know way too many people who seem to be laboring under the delusion that playing these games is in any way equivalent to actually playing a musical instrument.

Karaoke. I used to like karaoke, back when my sorority sisters would haul me out to a bar, buy me 6 shots, and sign me up to sing all their favorite hits of the 1970s. I was so drunk, I believed I sounded awesome, and they all egged me on, and it was easy not to pay attention to any of the people singing when it wasn't my turn. Nowadays, karaoke nights are so crowded with all the people ever told "Hell no!" when asked if they should ever sing in public, that you're obligated to sit through 100 horrible singers before you even get your turn, and there isn't enough alcohol in the world to make it remotely palatable. What's even worse is when one your friends gets up to sing and is just terrible, and you feel obligated to cheer them on, but feel horrible about encouraging someone that terrible at singing. I am a firm believer that not everyone should be given an opportunity to sing -- not at church, not in school, not on television, and certainly not at my favorite bar.

Dooce. I don't think she's that funny, and I don't think she's so good at parenting that I would ever turn there for support from the Mommy Blogosphere, and in fact, she's often so bitter and judgmental that she's more off-putting than anything else. I don't get what people adore and swoon over. Other bloggers that I love are always going on about how wonderful Dooce is, when they are in fact better -- better writers, better comedians, just... better. I wish people would stop. You don't HAVE to like Dooce. I'll like you more if you don't.

Crime procedural dramas on television. CSI This, CSI That, Law and Order This, Law and Order That. All plots ripped from headlines, making them all that much more realistic. I don't want my television realistic. I want it ridiculous, like Ugly Betty, Glee, and Heroes, or entirely implausible, like Chuck and Lost. Medical dramas run a close second.

Beach vacations. There's something to be said for laying around doing nothing for a week, but personally I'd prefer to do it in the privacy of my own home, with cable television and plenty of books around. I don't get even remotely jealous when someone in the office is heading off on a beach vacation. More power to them. I'll get jealous when someone's heading off to Disney World or Europe or road tripping the east coast.

Nickelback. Holy crap, what a horrible band. They give Canada such a bad name. So boring, and every single song sounds like the last one, which wasn't very good to begin with. And don't get me started on the lead singer's hair.