Monday, February 18, 2008

Fake Words and Small Children With Crackberries

Fake Words that I Love:

1). Craptacular.

2). Craptastic (actually you can put "crap" in front of almost -- and I use almost very loosely -- any suffix and get a decent word out of it).

3). Boobtacular (used most often on Television Without Pity, during recaps of Rock of Love).

4). Bootylicious.

5). Meh. Arguably, this is a real word, used to replicate the noise one makes when something makes them feel... meh.

6). Asshat.

Fake Words I Hate:

1). Coverages. Really, this is just a misuse of "coverage" by the insurance industry; a lot of stupid people work in insurance, and they have all spent the last 10 years popularizing their sad attempt to turn "coverage" into a plural, apparently not realizing that "coverage" is the plural of "coverage." What's most disturbing to me is that a large maker of insurance agency management software is now using the word "coverages" in its software. I can't even begin to tell you how this drives me up a wall.

2). OMG, when spoken. I really hope the trend of actually vocalizing netspeak is not something that catches on. I'll die if either of my parents ever says, "LOL" in the midst of conversation. "Squee" is another internet fangirl word which should never, ever be uttered in real life.

3). Fucktard. This is just a way to pretend you're not really calling someone a retard, when in fact you really are calling them not just a retard, but a fucking retard. Calling people retards to mock them went out of vogue in the early 1980s. I'm not really convinced it's something we should bring back.


A little while ago my best friend came by with her two daughters, Kira and Julia, to deliver Girl Scout Cookies to several people in my office. And I can't help it -- I continue to picture Kira in my head as a 6-year-old little girl, even with her clearly 12-year-old visage and personality staring me right in the face. So imagine my complete and utter amusement when we were all sitting here talking about my wedding plans and I was confirming with her that she'd like to be a junior bridesmaid or something like that, and she whipped out her cell phone and checked her calendar to make sure she had the wedding date free. She would fit right in at my office with all the crackberry addicts.

I kind of pride myself on not owning a phone that does everything. I enjoy feeling sort of Luddite in that I have a cell phone and an iPod and a camera and a Nintendo DS and a computer and a television and a paper calendar, and have no desire to combine them. Ever. I mean, I can't even imagine a scenario in which I would want to check emails while wandering the grocery store aisles, or upload photos to my blog in the middle of my vacation, or catch the newest episode of Lost during round 5 of the pub quiz (unless round 5 was regarding Lost and I was a pub quiz cheater).

But I am guessing that Kira will be one of the first to volunteer to just have all that info downloaded into a chip inserted behind her ear.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Ways I Kill Time, Brain Cells

I added a bunch of my newer favorite blogs to the list at right, so in case you're bored and want something to read but don't want to lift a book or magazine (which this time of year are heavy due to the presentation of fall fashion in the March issues, so I can totally understand not wanting to risk the hernia a magazine might leave you with), check some of them out. A couple are just from favorite scrapbookers of mine and mostly deal with matters of crafts and scrapbooking, but Bits & Pieces is actually really funny in addition to being -- sometimes -- about scrapbooking. Like, I think she started the blog thinking it would always be about scrapbooking, and then got distracted by life.

Fuller Go Easy on the Pepsi, in addition to being the best blog name ever (and I'm not even going to tell you where it came from -- if you don't know, then I'm just going sit back and feel... well, not elitist, exactly, but like I share an inside joke with one of my Invisible Internet Friends... not that this guy and I are IIF, it's more like I just read his blog and make random comments and he's probably like, who the hell is this woman and why does she have to comment in my blog? But until he actually tells me to cease and desist, I will continue...), is often funny and insightful, or usually both at the same time. I suspect that the author and Dolor would be really good friends if they ever met in real life.

Blogjam was a blog I stumbled on by accident just before Christmas when I was online looking for a porkpie recipe I could actually cope with. The author made a post about a porkpie he made a couple of years ago, and apparently said post made him sort of famous because it's come up in Google searches so many times. He's a funny British guy -- but then, I have this cultural bias in which I just assume that all British guys are smarter and funnier than American guys. He had a link to friend's blog, Ladyshambles, and she's pretty funny, so I started reading her as well, and she had a link to I Am Livid, which is the funniest of all. He posts these mini-rants about all sorts of random stuff.

So there you go -- reading material.

Daniel is watching old Tom and Jerry cartoons and is totally captivated. I was never a huge Tom and Jerry fan myself; I preferred cartoons with dialogue and human (or Smurf) characters. But I'm fascinated that he's so fascinated, because these cartoons require a much longer attention span than the garbage he usually watches on Nickelodeon and Jetix. Although Daniel has a pretty long attention span, so I don't know why I'm surprised. They're not as glitzy, I guess, as his usual fare.

It snowed briefly this morning but seems to have stopped now. Yay.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Some Updates on Recent Posts

1. I offended some women I don't even know at a scrapbooking party this past Saturday by making snarky comments about the light on my Craft Lite Cutter to my two friends I was there with. They were all quiet, and then one of them was all, "Oh, I thought that looked really cool when I saw the ad because I can never see what I'm doing on my regular cutter," and I was all, "Well, it comes with a ton of different blades that you can do a lot with. I can't wait to try those out." And then I changed the subject to how cute someone's baby was. I rarely think other people's babies are all that cute, as I am just not a baby lover, but I felt like I had to say it to move us past the tense Craft Lite Cutter moment. Damn that Craft Lite Cutter!

2. My friend commented in my "Worst Thing I've Ever Seen On Television" post with a comment about that hockey player that got his carotid artery cut by someone else's blade, and I replied back that I didn't know what the hell she was talking about, because I live under a rock when it comes to sports news of any kind. We do not watch any news broadcasts in our house at all, and I get my other news by seeking it out online. I very rarely seek out sports news. So now I feel rather foolish, because my comment could seem as though I made light of that poor dude's injury, but really, it was just because I had no effing clue. Finally this morning I had the radio on in the car quite by accident, and the news guy was doing his thing and mentioned the injury, and now I know.

But I also have to say that when I made a distinction between "bad television" and "grisly television," I didn't count sporting events at all. I'm talking about stuff that's actually made for television, which sporting events are not; they are only broadcast as a service to the viewing public, much like the news.



3. Monster Truck Rally: Apparently, this thing is actually called "Monster Jam." It sells out the Pepsi Center every time it comes to town. And it is boy heaven. There are, of course, monster trucks. There is a pile of dirt and a pile of old broken down cars piled on top of each other that the monster trucks drive over at least a thousand times during the event. During the breaks, there is motocross 4-wheel racing, and also motocross bikes exhibiting their skills on ramps, jumping over the cars that the monster trucks crush. There was a little mini Bobcat that groomed the course, and there was a larger Caterpillar digger that they used to tow the monster trucks when they tumbled over. Which happened twice. I will post some photos we took once I get them loaded to the computer. Betcha can't wait!

So to summarize: monster trucks, dirt, 4-wheel cycles, motorcycles, daring stunts, construction vehicles, stuff crashing. Boy heaven.


In other news, we finally picked a wedding place and a date. September 27th! Woohoo.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

The Worst Thing I've Ever Seen on Television

No, seriously...

Wait for it...

The Skating/Gymnastics Spectacular.

Here is the description from the channel guide -- I'm not making this shit up: "Pianist Lang Lang is the featured performer at the annual skating-gymnastics event. Gymnasts: Paul Hamm; Nastia Liukin; Ivan Ivankov; Yulia Barsukova; Shenea Booth; Arthur Davis; and Raj Bhavsar. Skaters: Evgeni Plushenko; Shizuka Arakawa; Surya Bonaly."

I mean, really? This was something some television execs went into a meeting about and greenlighted? "How next can we exploit the American public's fascination with both figure skating and gymnastics?" they asked themselves, and decided to combine the two. And apparently this is not just a one time thing, it's an annual event. That's disturbing.

Because honestly, this show is crap. I doubt it's better in person, either. You've got the gymnasts on one end of the rink, and the skaters on the ice, and they keep trying to do these numbers where they're all performing at the same time, but you have no idea where to look or who to look at. And for good measure, the orchestra and pianist are right there on the ice too. Of course there are plenty of solo performances, and there is the cachet of a few current reigning Olympic champions. But who invited Surya Bonaly? The most inconsistent female skater of all time, with the shittiest attitude? I didn't realize until just this minute that she even still existed.

And there's the problematic issue of gymnastics, and men's gymnastics in particular, not really being a "performance" type of sport. I mean, it's not meant to be set to music (except the women's floor exercise) and done in weird, figure skating-like costumes. So yes, I snickered hysterically through the moments where four of the men came out in gold lame gymnastics pants and did a weird little dance and then took turns on the high bar or something. And then I was supposed to take seriously Catalina Potolan's performance in which she wore a pink velour bodysuit with a swirly skirt which she took off halfway through, and dance around and stroked the balance beam -- it was hideous, all of it -- the outfit, the routine, the expression on her face.

I hope these people were all well paid for this.

And please. For the love of all that is holy in this world. Will someone please tell Evgeni Plushenko he needs a frigging bang trim?

Monster Truck Jam

Tomorrow we're going to a Monster Truck Jam at the Pepsi Center. Our friends have some tickets for their box so we're all going to go because they figured Daniel would dig it. Which he will. Grave Digger will be there. He has a small Matchbox version of Grave Digger. He's been seeing the commercials on television and he was asking if we could go, so he's going to be thrilled.

So yes, a monster truck rally. I'll let you know how it goes.