Friday, October 25, 2013

It's like Night At The Museum, only with rapier dinosaurs!

So yeah. Dinosaur porn. Here is basically all the context you need:

My friends dared me to read one. So I did. I read Taken at the Dinosaur Museum by Christie Sims. I actually had to pay for this 5,050 word tale of beast sex because it was not available for loan via Amazon Prime. The good news is, now that I own it, I can loan it to whomever I want as long as they are a Kindle user! So -- dinosaur porn, giving back every single day.

Anyway. It was short. It took me all of 15 minutes to read, if that. It's the tale of Kate, a young woman who can't find a job to save her life. We meet her roommate, and for some reason get to know that said roommate has super perky breasts! A last ditch response to an ad for a night watchperson at a museum nets Kate the job. Her first night, she realizes that the dinosaurs come to life at night, and she gets banged by a pachycephalosaurus:

And she likes it. She likes it a lot.

I know. We all have a lot of logistical questions. First it uses its long, snakelike tail (I'm kind of paraphrasing) to tease her and get her interested. And then it uses its tongue. And then it uses its huge, huge dinosaur penis. Oh, and then she gives it a blow job because she really, really wants to know what he tastes like, and it comes all over her face and body, and she goes through an entire box of tissues cleaning herself up (much was made of this fact in the narrative). She is half concerned, half amused by the knowledge that the entire thing has been captured by the museum's security cameras. And by the time morning rolls around, she's REALLY looking forward to her second night at her new job.

And that's pretty much it.

The writing isn't horrific. I've sadly seen worse. It does come off a bit like some high school girl wrote it as a joke -- which, hey, maybe I'm onto something with that line of thinking. I mean, at $2.99 or $1.99 a pop, one can make a goldmine just off curious people like me and the guy from

Honestly, the biggest disappointment is that it was so short. I was hoping for more chapters: the first night with the pachycephalosaurus, then maybe she would take on a triceratops or a stegosaurus, then maybe a raptor or two or three, then maybe a gentle giant brachiosaurus (since she likes long tails so very much), and the whole thing culminating with a super violent encounter with either a T-Rex or an allosaurus. And there could be a whole subplot where she's not sure which museum staffers have watched the security footage, and where she's afraid she might lose her job for fucking the dinosaurs. But then it turns out that IS the job and the head of the museum loves her for doing such a bang up job (see what I did there?).

See? I could write this shit. No problem.

And I know you all want to know, and the answer is: No. At no time was I remotely titillated or turned on by any of this. I will not be having sex dreams about dinosaurs any time soon. This story did not unlock my darkest fantasies and innermost desires, as promised.

Actually, I want my $2.99 back.