Sunday, June 05, 2005

Part II: What is up with....

1. Mowing one's lawn at 8am on a Sunday. Or Saturday -- I'm not choosy. Is there some reason why the lawnmowing populace is unable to wait until 9 or 10am to start polluting the air with the noxious sound of grass being murdered? Okay, no, I'm not suggesting that anyone stop mowing their lawn altogether, although what would a little natural look to the front yard hurt other than the neighborhood covenants; what I am suggesting is that not everyone wants to wake up at the usual time on the weekend, when one is not required to be at work at some ungodly hour, and that perhaps in a politer society, we would hold off on lawnmowing until later in the day.

2. MTV's True Life. In particular, the episode run just recently titled "I'm Dead Broke," tracking three poverty-stricken young people for several weeks' time. I'm not sure, but I think I was supposed to feel sorry for these people, who have all made some truly bad decisions about their lives and ended up where they are pretty honestly. Only one of them seemed to be truly making any effort to turn her life around by holding down a steady job and making sure she paid her rent on time. Oddly enough (yes, I know I'm the ONLY person over the age of 21 who actually watches this crap), the people featured on this episode didn't seem terribly different to me than the people in an episode a couple of years ago who were doing everything they could to AVOID having to get a regular job. And I know I wasn't supposed to feel sorry for them. So I'm a little confused. Which I suppose is my punishment for watching MTV at my age. It's like their ads say: "Not for adults."

3. Plus Size clothing models. They are all clearly not plus size themselves, and yet these pictures are supposed to somehow give me an accurate picture of how these clothes might actually look on me? I don't think so. So it's either head over to Frump Central to look at truly foul plus size clothes on actual plus size women, or run the risk of buying something that isn't actually going to look good on a true-to-life plus size chick like me. Oh, and the peasant blouses that fall in an empire cut from the boobs? Not a good look for anyone who wants to avoid looking pregnant; definitely not a good look for those of us who actually have breasts beyond a C-cup. Just a hint.

4. Jane Magazine. It used to be cool, now it's like I lose more brain cells with each turn of a page. It's worse than reality TV. Thank god my subscription was free and I don't have to explain to anyone why I paid good money for it. It was free, got it? I suppose I could just not read it, but it's not like it takes more than 20 minutes to get through all 182 pages. However, I will give mad props to the staffer who reviewed the new 30 Seconds to Mars and signed her name with a hyphenated-Catalano at the end. All you fans of My So Called Life out there will know why this is funny.

5. People who actually wear more than one cause-related wristband. I know the point is to wear the wristbands, so that other people will go, "Oh, what's that one for?" and you can then prattle on at length about the Lance Armstong Foundation or the ONE Foundation or Count Me Blue or whatever, thus educating the masses about things they may never have thought about otherwise. But frankly, you look like an idiot when you wear your bright yellow wristband with dressy clothing. And you look even more idiotic when you wear all eight of your wristbands at once... the only exception to this being that you just wanted a friend to get a picture of you in them for the sake of posterity, and immediately removed all but one once the shutter closed. Seriously, you need to think about what sort of mood you're in on a given day, and go with that particular wristband. "Hmm, I think I'll tout the benefits of PSA screening today and go with light blue." Or "Hmm, today I'm feeling breast cancer, and I'm also wearing a cute pink top," so you go with the light pink.

Also, if I EVER, EVER catch anyone I know purchasing or sporting the new wristbands being sold that aren't related to a cause (ROCK CHICK! ANGEL! DEVIL IN DISGUISE! SASSY!!), I will never speak to you again.

6. Midol. Okay, ladies, let me just educate you... from one cramp-sufferer to another... Midol contains all the very things any doctor would tell you to avoid during your menstrual cycle: caffeine AND an added diuretic (because caffeine wasn't enough of a diuretic to begin with!). It is Tylenol with caffeine and a diuretic. That's all it is. It costs you some ridiculous amount of money, and you could get the same benefits from two or three Tylenol (frankly, I'm astounded by the number of people who claim that acetaminophen actually works on their "severe" pain and thus question their claims of "severe" to begin with, but whatever), a can of diet Coke, and a diet pill. The stuff won't ease bloating (usually caused by retention of water) because it will actually CAUSE bloating. Here's my suggestion: take large quantities throughout the month of the B-complex vitamins that are proven to alleviate PMS suffering, use Aleve for the pain because the shit actually works, and go to bed with a good book and some M&Ms. Also, try to avoid men during this time; they're never more clueless than when it's that time of the month. Even the most sensitive new age guys are morons when it comes to hormone-induced suffering. Send them away; unlike Clan of the Cave Bear, in which the cavewomen were sent away during their cycles, 21st century society needs to enact a procedure during which men (and let's send the kids with them) are banished from their homes while their womenfolk are completing their menstrual cycles each month. After all, this is important work our bodies are doing, necessary for the very survival of the species; we don't need some idiot boy standing around going, "It can't hurt that bad! Are you sure you can't make me a sandwich?" Indeed, this would be a good time for the menfolk to golf. They could build dormitories at the golf courses, and the men could just check in for a few days, and come home when we sound the all-clear.

I'll work on a plan for where to send the kids. Get back to me on that.


dolor said...

Best remedy for cramp-induced pain: a warm, fuzzy friend curled up against whatever part pains you and nothing and no one else or total mental absorption that won't make you clench.

Melissa said...

Oh, boy, here we go...

1. My dad is guilty of this sometimes. If it's supposed to be a really hot, humid day, he will mow the lawn before the sun really has a chance to come out and avoid getting heat stroke. In the DC area (and you might remember this), it's so humid and the summers are filled with "code red"s, meaning the air quality is unhealthy and people are in danger if they're outside. Of course, everyone else is doing it, too, so you don't have to feel bad about waking anyone up.

2. I haven't watched MTV in a good 7 years so I don't know what this show is. I stopped watching when they started playing more shows than videos and picked that cracked-out assbag Jesse Campbell to be the new VJ. I hated him so much...

3. The fashion industry in general is off it's rocker. They pick all these people who look nothing like your average person and try to say "Hey! If you buy this, you'll look exactly like her!" It's so silly the way they are marketing these things. It also gets you going on how obsessed with body image this country really is. That's a whole nother topic for another day, but it really is quite distressing to think about.

4. I was supposed to get a subscription to Jane when I was 18 and it was brand new. This guy at the mall (with a company I'd gone through before) got me to get one and I never recieved a single issue. I think it's put me off Jane for life. That's awesome that she signed her name ________-Catalano. That rocks my socks. I really need to find a cheap copy of that series used...

5. Any more than 2 and you look like an ass.

(Not to sound like an old fogey, but that's another thing about this particular generation that pisses me off. Why does EVERYTHING you wear (such as those stupid pants with the words across the butt---don't get me started on those) have to say "hottie" or "angel" or "you wish" or some other sassy, semi-cliched word on them that all self-appreciating? That's annoying, dude.

6. Midol has ALWAYS worked for me. Midol and those awesome little heating pad jobies that stick to your underwear. Oh, I love those. You're right about sending the men folks away. They never understand, even the ones that claim to. I also think we should get one day a month off of work for that specific reason, but that's just me. Maybe it's because I can't even move on the first day of my period every month... *groans thinking about it coming again soon...*

Kate said...

HA! You are too much! I'm cracking up over the Midol bit!