1. Mowing one's lawn at 8am on a Sunday. Or Saturday -- I'm not choosy. Is there some reason why the lawnmowing populace is unable to wait until 9 or 10am to start polluting the air with the noxious sound of grass being murdered? Okay, no, I'm not suggesting that anyone stop mowing their lawn altogether, although what would a little natural look to the front yard hurt other than the neighborhood covenants; what I am suggesting is that not everyone wants to wake up at the usual time on the weekend, when one is not required to be at work at some ungodly hour, and that perhaps in a politer society, we would hold off on lawnmowing until later in the day.
2. MTV's True Life. In particular, the episode run just recently titled "I'm Dead Broke," tracking three poverty-stricken young people for several weeks' time. I'm not sure, but I think I was supposed to feel sorry for these people, who have all made some truly bad decisions about their lives and ended up where they are pretty honestly. Only one of them seemed to be truly making any effort to turn her life around by holding down a steady job and making sure she paid her rent on time. Oddly enough (yes, I know I'm the ONLY person over the age of 21 who actually watches this crap), the people featured on this episode didn't seem terribly different to me than the people in an episode a couple of years ago who were doing everything they could to AVOID having to get a regular job. And I know I wasn't supposed to feel sorry for them. So I'm a little confused. Which I suppose is my punishment for watching MTV at my age. It's like their ads say: "Not for adults."
3. Plus Size clothing models. They are all clearly not plus size themselves, and yet these pictures are supposed to somehow give me an accurate picture of how these clothes might actually look on me? I don't think so. So it's either head over to Frump Central to look at truly foul plus size clothes on actual plus size women, or run the risk of buying something that isn't actually going to look good on a true-to-life plus size chick like me. Oh, and the peasant blouses that fall in an empire cut from the boobs? Not a good look for anyone who wants to avoid looking pregnant; definitely not a good look for those of us who actually have breasts beyond a C-cup. Just a hint.
4. Jane Magazine. It used to be cool, now it's like I lose more brain cells with each turn of a page. It's worse than reality TV. Thank god my subscription was free and I don't have to explain to anyone why I paid good money for it. It was free, got it? I suppose I could just not read it, but it's not like it takes more than 20 minutes to get through all 182 pages. However, I will give mad props to the staffer who reviewed the new 30 Seconds to Mars and signed her name with a hyphenated-Catalano at the end. All you fans of My So Called Life out there will know why this is funny.
5. People who actually wear more than one cause-related wristband. I know the point is to wear the wristbands, so that other people will go, "Oh, what's that one for?" and you can then prattle on at length about the Lance Armstong Foundation or the ONE Foundation or Count Me Blue or whatever, thus educating the masses about things they may never have thought about otherwise. But frankly, you look like an idiot when you wear your bright yellow wristband with dressy clothing. And you look even more idiotic when you wear all eight of your wristbands at once... the only exception to this being that you just wanted a friend to get a picture of you in them for the sake of posterity, and immediately removed all but one once the shutter closed. Seriously, you need to think about what sort of mood you're in on a given day, and go with that particular wristband. "Hmm, I think I'll tout the benefits of PSA screening today and go with light blue." Or "Hmm, today I'm feeling breast cancer, and I'm also wearing a cute pink top," so you go with the light pink.
Also, if I EVER, EVER catch anyone I know purchasing or sporting the new wristbands being sold that aren't related to a cause (ROCK CHICK! ANGEL! DEVIL IN DISGUISE! SASSY!!), I will never speak to you again.
6. Midol. Okay, ladies, let me just educate you... from one cramp-sufferer to another... Midol contains all the very things any doctor would tell you to avoid during your menstrual cycle: caffeine AND an added diuretic (because caffeine wasn't enough of a diuretic to begin with!). It is Tylenol with caffeine and a diuretic. That's all it is. It costs you some ridiculous amount of money, and you could get the same benefits from two or three Tylenol (frankly, I'm astounded by the number of people who claim that acetaminophen actually works on their "severe" pain and thus question their claims of "severe" to begin with, but whatever), a can of diet Coke, and a diet pill. The stuff won't ease bloating (usually caused by retention of water) because it will actually CAUSE bloating. Here's my suggestion: take large quantities throughout the month of the B-complex vitamins that are proven to alleviate PMS suffering, use Aleve for the pain because the shit actually works, and go to bed with a good book and some M&Ms. Also, try to avoid men during this time; they're never more clueless than when it's that time of the month. Even the most sensitive new age guys are morons when it comes to hormone-induced suffering. Send them away; unlike Clan of the Cave Bear, in which the cavewomen were sent away during their cycles, 21st century society needs to enact a procedure during which men (and let's send the kids with them) are banished from their homes while their womenfolk are completing their menstrual cycles each month. After all, this is important work our bodies are doing, necessary for the very survival of the species; we don't need some idiot boy standing around going, "It can't hurt that bad! Are you sure you can't make me a sandwich?" Indeed, this would be a good time for the menfolk to golf. They could build dormitories at the golf courses, and the men could just check in for a few days, and come home when we sound the all-clear.
I'll work on a plan for where to send the kids. Get back to me on that.