Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Bumper Stickers Are Stupid

Here's the thing about bumper stickers: they annoy people. That's all they do. Your bumper sticker even annoys the guy in the car behind you, who has 10 bumper stickers of his own. And have we sunk to such lows of rudeness in our society that we have to go out of our way to annoy one another? I mean, we all seem to be pretty capable of annoying each other just by the way we drive and the way we're so rude in line at the local Safeway and the way we slam doors in each other's faces as we're entering buildings... Do we really need to SHOP for annoying and then stick it on our cars?

Herewith, some of my favorite annoying stickers of the last week:

1). "Did the zebras paint the stripes on themselves?" This superimposed in bubble letters over a bunch of shiny zebras and crosses. It was, first of all, an ugly ass sticker. It reminded me of those heinous Lisa Frank metallic stickers we used to collect when we were in the 5th grade -- you know, totally covering every inch of our Trapper Keeper binders? So, a hideous eyesore to begin with. And then the ridiculous "in joke" of all the Creationists out there. "Ooh, if there's no God, how'd the zebras get their stripes?" I mean, is this the best argument you've got for Creation? Wow. And what's awesome and compelling about it can be distilled down to one small oval bumper sticker. That's amazing.

2). "Live well. Be happy. Annoy a liberal." Psssst, Conservatives! We're not the ones who are annoyed all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3). "W: Still President." I'm pretty sure this was on the bumper of a W supporter's car, but here's the thing: when you emphasize the still like that, it makes it sound like you think he's been president for an eternity. So it kind of defeats its own purpose. Other than to annoy everyone else on the road.

4). "If God's not a Broncos fan, why are sunsets orange?" Please.

5). "Av-aholic." Yeah, I know, even friends of mine have this sticker on their cars, expressing their fandom for the Colorado Avalanche. But why do we have to let complete strangers in traffic know what sports teams we support?

6). "Practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty." Um, what, you stupid hippy?

7). "God loves the whole world. No exceptions." Oh really? I can think of a fair few.

8). "My dog/cat/parrot is smarter than your honor student." What?? Who cares? Are you so threatened by someone's honor student that you were compelled to buy this sticker?

9). "Hang up and drive." Inevitably on a vehicle being driven by some fucking jackass yammering away on a cell phone. Indeed.

10). "Visualize using your turn signal." This was originally a slam against freewheeling hippies with a "Visualize world peace" sticker on their cars. Apparently only hippies don't use turn signals. My research tells me the turn signal problem is more widespread than that, but what do I know? After all, I'm the chick who thinks bumper stickers are stupid.

11). "Don't blame me, I voted for Kerry." Christ, if that's the best comeback we've got, no wonder we can't win a damn election.

And then, don't you find yourself reacting to the annoying bumper stickers by countering them in your head with a bumper sticker you'd like to get? Yeah, fuck the Broncos, man, I'm gonna get a sticker that says "If the Devil's not a Raiders fan, why do they wear black?" (Weak, I know. I can't make up slogans to save my life.)

Sure, every now and then I see a bumper sticker I find funny. Slower minds keep right. That's a good one. And I wouldn't mind having selected quotes from Kevin Smith movies on a series of bumper stickers. But I doubt I would stick them on my car. I wouldn't want to anger people, thus setting up my car to be the target of some psycho who thinks bumper stickers are annoying and decides to retaliate against my sentiments by keying my car or hitting me in a parking lot or just kicking in a panel or two.

Not that someone would be driven to that.

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