Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Figure Skating Rant

What follows is an actual blog entry. I know, it's so unlike me.

I used to figure skate, so I feel qualified to offer up the following suggestions for improving the Olympics figure skating events:

1. Men should not do layback spins. EVER. In any circumstance.

2. Always let the Russians win. If the Russians don’t win, play their anthem anyway, but kick it up just a notch, tempo-wise. This anthem would make a really great drinking song. This can only make figure skating more popular with beer drinkers.

3. There’s this constant battle between technical prowess and artistry in figure skating. I vote for a sort of tag-team relay sort of program in which singles skaters go out as a two-person team and one does all the jumping and the other performs the artistic elements. This can only mean more gold medals to the winning country!

4. Also, crew cuts all around for the men. There’s nothing more distracting than a man’s floppy-ass hair flying all over his face for the duration of his long program.

5. It’s way past time for Peggy Fleming to pack it in and call it a day. I’m so tired of hearing someone who’s never done a triple jump in her life critique the performances of those who do 6 in one program.

6. Ditto Dick Button. There’s snarky, and then there’s Dick Button, who just sounds bitter and snippy, and has done so for as long as I’ve been watching figure skating on television. That’d be 30 years. Yeah, definitely time for him to give us all a rest. Does NBC think anyone actually LIKES Dick Button??

7. Also, someone should probably remind Scott Hamilton that his own gold-medal winning Olympics performance was not the very best he had to offer. What’s that saying about people in glass houses??

8. Actually, I think for commentating pay dirt, the networks broadcasting figure skating would be hard pressed to find a better duo than my mom and me. I think our comments dig a little deeper than “Ooh, and that fall is going to cost her!” We get to the heart of things, like whether or not men should be wearing sequins, or what haircuts work best on the women. The only trouble with us is our tendency to hysterical laughter when someone executes a particularly cheesey move (see number 1 above), or our need to Google the answers to whichever questions pop up during the course of someone’s long program.

9. Like I mentioned, I used to figure skate, so it’s a given that the sport attracts geeks and nerds of all levels. But it’s really a pity that they can’t get some hotties like Seth Wescott to compete. Again, if was more about the jumping and less about the pretty arm movements and flowing in-between moves… well, anyway…

10. Has anyone else ever noticed that ice-dancing is basically all about how well the couple can simulate intercourse on the ice? I have.

11. Actually, the sequins level on the women has become intolerable as well. I think it’s high time sequins were banned from the sport altogether. If you can’t catch the judges’ eyes without sequins, you’re not skating well enough.

And there you have it.


Georgias Maximus, Feline Esq. said...

Suggestion: Tape and embed audio commentary of women's competition. :-> Sharing is a good thing.

melissa said...

You have proven with this post that you can and should be an announcer! :D Haha! Seth Westcott is hot. So is Jeremy Bloom. I have to admit, though, that I have a mad geek crush on Joey Cheek. I've been thinking about resurrecting the Geeky Is Sexy Club, so you should come back on. We can discuss hot Olympic geeks and everything! :D

Did you see the Canadian chick go flying the other night? OUCH!

S.L. Peterson said...


Nate and I actually get a kick out of Dick Button because the things he says just crack us up. Like last night, he said a couple of really mean things about some girl, then followed up with, "Not to be mean or anything." As though that axcuses his snarkiness...

Have you noticed that the commentators never have anything to say during the ice dancing? Like they're just as confused by it as the rest of us?

Sona La Sorella said...

I agree about Fleming and Hamilton. In fact, I hate hearing Hamilton go on about anything. He is an ego-centric little prick...but I digress. No long hair on the men. And women need to reign it in on their over the top makeup...if everyone looked natural like my mother could do for them with Avon, that's fine...but they look like that girl Kelly someone we used to go to school with in the 80's...the line around her chin where the foundation ends.

And ice dancing and rythmic gymnastics should be cut from the olympics...they are "sports" that say, "I'm not good enough to REALLY skate or REALLY perform REAL gymnastics." I'm not saying I could do either...but please...who are they fooling?

Shannon said...

Sona: While I do agree with that last bit about the ice dancing and the rythmic gymnastics, I think you've proven to me once again that you're on crack. Scott Hamilton an egocentric little prick?? The dude doesn't have an egocentric bone in his body. And this coming from a woman who ADORES Lance Armstrong. Now, there's an egocentric prick.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just sayin'... I mean, Scott Hamilton is well known as the friendliest man in sports. He was the only elite skater who never ponced about the rink as if he owned the place; he once gave me free advice on my lutz jump after he'd turned pro and was making a fortune giving private lessons. The dude is what the rest of the world knows as a Nice Guy.

Sona La Sorella said...

But SHANNON...it is with YOU that I met Hamilton and it was YOU who originally CALLED him an ego-centric little prick when he would show up to your ice and be a jerk to all those practicing who were NOT a professional like himself. So, don't tell me that I haven't a clue what I'm talking about.

And for the record, I never said Lance WASN'T ego-centric. I said he's a kick-ass cyclist and that it'd be fun to party with him...but he sucks because he was a jerk to Sheryl and she's only ever been good to him.

Besides, if Ivan Basso wasn't married, I'd take him over Lance any day...even if he is younger than me.

Shannon said...

You are so fucking insane it's not even funny -- I NEVER had a Scott Hamilton encounter with you, dude! And I NEVER would have said anything like that about him. Perhaps you're thinking of some other skater; I don't know. But it wasn't Scott Hamilton.