What follows is an actual blog entry. I know, it's so unlike me.
I used to figure skate, so I feel qualified to offer up the following suggestions for improving the Olympics figure skating events:
1. Men should not do layback spins. EVER. In any circumstance.
2. Always let the Russians win. If the Russians don’t win, play their anthem anyway, but kick it up just a notch, tempo-wise. This anthem would make a really great drinking song. This can only make figure skating more popular with beer drinkers.
3. There’s this constant battle between technical prowess and artistry in figure skating. I vote for a sort of tag-team relay sort of program in which singles skaters go out as a two-person team and one does all the jumping and the other performs the artistic elements. This can only mean more gold medals to the winning country!
4. Also, crew cuts all around for the men. There’s nothing more distracting than a man’s floppy-ass hair flying all over his face for the duration of his long program.
5. It’s way past time for Peggy Fleming to pack it in and call it a day. I’m so tired of hearing someone who’s never done a triple jump in her life critique the performances of those who do 6 in one program.
6. Ditto Dick Button. There’s snarky, and then there’s Dick Button, who just sounds bitter and snippy, and has done so for as long as I’ve been watching figure skating on television. That’d be 30 years. Yeah, definitely time for him to give us all a rest. Does NBC think anyone actually LIKES Dick Button??
7. Also, someone should probably remind Scott Hamilton that his own gold-medal winning Olympics performance was not the very best he had to offer. What’s that saying about people in glass houses??
8. Actually, I think for commentating pay dirt, the networks broadcasting figure skating would be hard pressed to find a better duo than my mom and me. I think our comments dig a little deeper than “Ooh, and that fall is going to cost her!” We get to the heart of things, like whether or not men should be wearing sequins, or what haircuts work best on the women. The only trouble with us is our tendency to hysterical laughter when someone executes a particularly cheesey move (see number 1 above), or our need to Google the answers to whichever questions pop up during the course of someone’s long program.
9. Like I mentioned, I used to figure skate, so it’s a given that the sport attracts geeks and nerds of all levels. But it’s really a pity that they can’t get some hotties like Seth Wescott to compete. Again, if was more about the jumping and less about the pretty arm movements and flowing in-between moves… well, anyway…
10. Has anyone else ever noticed that ice-dancing is basically all about how well the couple can simulate intercourse on the ice? I have.
11. Actually, the sequins level on the women has become intolerable as well. I think it’s high time sequins were banned from the sport altogether. If you can’t catch the judges’ eyes without sequins, you’re not skating well enough.
And there you have it.